Funny how you can make a place your home. Spending nearly a decade in Santa Barbara, I miss it so. It's simplicity as a city and it's local businesses that thrive.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, because that is what I do, and I realized that I truly miss Santa Barbara. I miss being able to walk to work and not having to pay no more than $10 to where ever I need to go. I miss all my friends and acquaintances that I have made. I miss eating Santa Maria Style BBQ and the smell of the beaches there. I know I can find BBQ here and go to the beach here but it's not the same. I can't just walk down to the beach, I have to travel to the beach. I have to pack up a car and drive 20 to 30 minutes to get to the nearest, some what, chill location. The hardest part too is finding a good hiking trail with out being bothered by Border Patrol because you look Mexican and I hate be profiled incorrectly. It's frustrating.
The funny thing is that I never really went hiking in Santa Barbara but for some reason I miss the ease of accessibility of getting to the trail and knowing it's there when ever I feel like it. Again here you have to drive to your destination and you have to be fully prepared to make the journey otherwise you will be in deep trouble. I miss complaining about driving 45 minutes to go somewhere where as where I live now is about 30 to 4 minutes away from the rest of San Diego. No one wants to come out to the East County. There is nothing to do here and everyone is stuck in the 50's. Racial slurs and homophobia is alive and well here. Occasionally you'll find a few open minded folk but they are usually Military Transplants. I know in Santa Barbara there was the occasional racial slur or homophobic remark, but at least there were people who were willing to stand up for you, complete strangers, standing up for your right to be who you are. The funny thing was it was the Military guys from the local bases near by Santa Barbara that would act like that.
I also miss being my own person, here I am behind a mental cage again and can't really express myself like I had been able to. I feel like I am in the closet again. God to be back in the closet, knowing what freedom taste like and to relive a lie of a life for the sake of my parents health. Granted my parents do seem to be getting use to the idea however they really don't like it when I go out to be social and mingle with other guys. Their preconception of gays and gay life is stereotypically distorted. I blame media and lack of education of modern life and life styles. But I am non the less trying to educate a couple of the late 50's and early 60's life style. I know they will fully come around especially when I tell them I am getting married lol. Well not yet at least. I'm hoping with in the near future of, I dunno, a 2 years or so.
I know eventually my life will take the path back to Santa Barbara but the hardest part is waiting for it to happen and come. The path is so far down the road that I have 13 different paths laid out before me and all of which are just fucking confusing and stressful.
"One who looks for a way often never looks for a destination, yet the destination finds them and shows the way." - BGM 14/09/08
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