Growing up in San Diego I had no idea who I was and what I wanted, sexually. It wasn't until high school where I realized that I knew I was gay and had issues coming to grasp the situation. I had been trying to prove to my self that I was straight and not show that I took an interest in men. After I graduated in 2000, I shortly moved out from my parents house to live near SDSU and take up my courses at Mira Mar for becoming an EMT, that dream has long passed. I moved in with 3 of the best guys to move out with. Two of which I knew from high school and the other my bomb ass room mate James. As we lived there I realized how much more and more I knew I like guys. I would be working down in Mission Valley at Pat & Oscar's running food and busing tables. I noticed that Mission Valley had an abundance of hot men. My senses were out of control. And it became more apparent that I was gay.
After coming to grips of being gay I then was given the opportunity to move and live in Santa Barbara. There I stayed with the Fricks and they taught me to be comfortable with myself and be respectful of myself too. It was hard, being only 20 and trying to look for guys to date, well or to hook up with. You know how that goes, lol. I then found myself attending Santa Barbara City College, there I would join the Vaqueros Football team and attempt to play football. The guys on the team were by far the best group of guys, they joked and spurted out the usual bashes and insults like any other football team. I had to quit the team because things were getting a lil too hairy for me and well I started falling for a guy named Brian.
Brian was a son of a movie producer and was the best relationship I have ever had in my life, well probably the only real relationship I will ever have. We were together for about two and a half years until he decided to break up (that's another story with in it's self). We are now just friends.
The next relationship was a bit awkward, in the sense that I had hurt the feelings of someone I hold dear to my heart, and I regret every waking minute of every day. I dated this guy, Casey, who I thought could possibly be the one. It turned out to be a disaster and a complete F.U.B.A.R. situation. Where as if I had stayed with the original guy, Adam, I think we'd be together still to this day. I didn't date Adam due to insecurity issues I had and being afraid of getting too close because he was around the same age as Brian and I thought I had seen similarities of Brian in him. I didn't want to risk being depressed again. Casey had pretty much blown me off and was MIA for a few months and then turned up in Ventura, its a city 45 minutes South of Santa Barbara.
After being single and jaded for a year or so. I ran into this guy from Chicago. His name was Steve. This boy has all the love in the world to give but I had all the hurt and jadedness of an Beijing Olympic Medal. I couldn't feel anything really and he was so sweet and dear. I tried to be the loving guy I once was but it just would not show. We fought a lot and most of them were my fault. I just hope one day he can forgive me for my stupidity and selfishness.
I have moved back from Santa Barbara to San Diego and now find myself in my mom and dad's house. Single, looking for someone to date, and realizing how shallow this city really is. You know at one point in my life I was fit and in shape. I had nice biceps and a flat stomach, no six pack but it was flat. I am now trying my best to diet and work on getting back in shape. I have spent nearly a decade in Santa Barbara and had let myself go. I am trying to find a guy to date that can see past the curves and help get back to where I was and have him work out with me, you know kind of a like a life coach but as my partner. The only one that seems interested is my best friend Everett who happens to be straight, I wish he would just turn and decide he likes boys but that's not going to happen. I want to get back down to 200 lbs by January 1st 2009. But I am finding it hard and difficult to find such a person. I know I am not ripping and roaring with muscles and rail thin. I'm sorry when you look at my pictures in my profiles you are turned off because you are thinking with your cock rather than your head on your shoulders. You guys have no idea how hard it is to be motivated if you are constantly being put down and fall more and more into depression. I do believe in giving guys a chance to prove themselves just as it is in sports. Just because he may not look like an athlete, it doesn't mean that he isn't one. In other words how can you prejudge a guy before you even really hear his story, but then you believe you have heard them all and that I/ HE is an over weight piece of shit that doesn't deserve your time or day?
I am sure that some of you "hot guys" have been in a similar situation and wish to not be associated with someone that reminds you of your own past. It's human nature to be that way. But to be that one guy to break that mold of thinking and change your natural instincts could help someone some day. Just think about that and if you believe in Karma I am sure that it would be paid back to you 10 fold or greater.
All I am asking is for you to have a heart of gold. Don't be a Shallow Hal and have to wait for you to be woken up by an experience. Not every life situation ends with happily ever after.
END RANT!
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