I don't have a title for this..........

It never hits you until it's really said to you......

How much you have hurt the family. You always had the notion of family first in your heart and yet you never think twice how an action can devastate everyone in your family, but more importantly your oldest sis.

When my mom would be at work and my dad at Special Forces Training, she would be the one taking care of my other sister and I. I cut her deep when I went away and she never heard from me. 3 years had gone before a single word and she resents me to this day. We spoke but just 25 - 30 minutes ago but I can still hear her words in my head. Yes I got angry, just like any other brother would when being lectured by an older sibling. Though she said that it was better to be lectured by phone from her than to be present face to face. I think she is wrong. How can I give her a hug afterward? How Can I kiss her on the forehead and apologize? She is so far away and I didn't think twice to call her once. The feelings of anger festered, then guilt, followed by pain, and now sorrow in my heart. I know that the past six years of my being alone in another city, was all in all, my choice after the argument my mother and I had. I had figured that the argument sparked an effect of hatred towards me. I felt that the family didn't want anything to do with me. You would figure that my mother would have told my sisters and they would have called me, but they didn't. She never told them. So it was "me" who hung up and said don't talk to me. My mother never called me back to say I am sorry. She is too proud and I know where I get my pride from. I am a spitting image of her in male form. Probably the reason why we knock heads a lot.

Then to find out that one of two other sisters was talking shit about me behind my back, enraged my anger towards that sister more. She doesn't know anger like this. She has no clue. She had hurt me deeply from childhood to now adulthood. But yet all in all I can't really be angry with her. She is after all my sister and family, but I don't have to like her much.

Now I am second guessing my whole idea of being back with the family. I feel that I have lost my place in this family. My oldest sister still has a resentment towards me that I feel won't leave. My other sister never talks to me, so whats the point of talking to her? My father thinks that my jobs and job I have now will never be as important as his will ever be, he thinks it's a funny and playful joke, but it hurts. It doesn't matter if I tell him, he won't take into consideration that he hurt my feelings ever. My goddaughter who I raised for a 2 years seems not to like me as much. And now My mother, who has openly started talking to me but holds certain things back and won't tell me. Both my parents are still coming to grasps of me being gay. A partial reason for me leaving and being alone. A almost dropped bomb in our past argument over the phone.

After talking with my sister tonight I have no idea what I should do. I want to be with them but I have a feeling I'd just be a burden on them and my sister who is trying to raise her daughter, my goddaughter, right. I've felt alone and know what it is like to be a stranger, but I never felt so alone and more of a stranger until now. Now I feel like I need to send my other sister an email to ask her if there is anything on her chest that she wishes to address because the thought of her not letting her put her thoughts out on the table scary me to the point that I know she'll wait until the family is all together and do it to embarrass me.

What do I do? Do go back to living by myself again and no ties to the family or do I put up with their shit? I know the answer but it's gonna be hard. I am now scared. Scared of my future, scared for what may lie ahead. My mind is full of thoughts and non have or will be helpful.